Fighting Fair- Conflict Resolution
By: Taleshia Morton, Counseling Intern
When you find yourself in the middle of conflict with someone you care about, what kind of “Fighter” are you? Are you explosive and begin yelling before the other person can get a word out? Do you shutdown and refuse to communicate? Or do you take everything as a personal attack and struggle to hear the heart behind what the other person is trying to express?
Conflict resolution is a tricky process to navigate as any disagreement likely brings up a rush of emotions that can work against our ability to see and think clearly. No matter how much you love or care for that other person, your true intentions can be lost and there may be a breakdown in the relationship if there is too much hurt cause by unfair fighting. Instead of trying to repair the damage once you’ve calmed down, why not practice some Fair Fighting Ground Rules that can help the whole communication process flow much smoother? If you’re ready to level up your communication and conflict resolution skills, check out some of these Fair Fighting tips below.
1. Express yourself in words, not actions! If you’re in the middle of a disagreement and feel yourself becoming angry to the point that you can’t control yourself, it may be best to take a moment away until you can speak calmly again! Yelling, and even worse, becoming physical is a sure way to cause more damage than necessary. Handling conflict should never result in hitting or throwing things. If you struggle in this area, you should practice communicating why you are upset with words and learn to accept a response you may not agree with!
2. Attack the problem not the person! Handling conflict quickly brings out vulnerability and in this case, it is easy to attack below the belt to deflect those unwanted feelings. Remember to keep the conversation focused on the problem and don’t resort to throwing personal attacks at one another!
3. Avoid Shutting Down! Healthy, effective communication requires participation from all parties involved. Shutting down and refusing to talk or listen makes it impossible to reach a genuine resolution. Its okay to let the other person know you need a moment to regroup before you can work through the problem, but its not okay to completely shutdown when the other person is making a real attempt to work through the issue.
4. Avoid Dumping your stockpile! Sometimes, in our best effort to reduce conflict we find ourselves avoiding and ignoring problems. While we probably think we are just letting it go, it is more likely that we are storing up all of these grievances and before we know it, we have filled up to capacity and our anger or hurt spills over. When you begin a disagreement discussing a current issue and then one person throws in a list of issues they’ve been holding on to it really confuses the moment and brings hurt to the other person. It is best to address things as quickly as possible or truly let them go!
5. Agree to follow Ground Rules! If you foresee a conversation spiraling out of control, it may be a good idea to begin with setting ground rules for how you will communicate while discussing the issue. Be specific and give permission to call one another out if a rule is being broken!
Fair Fighting can take some getting used to as it requires discipline and self-control along with the ability to remain responsible for your behavior in the heat of the moment. Maintaining good relationships and learning to work through conflict in a healthy manner is worth the effort required to improve how you engage in those rough moments. Ultimately the goal in handling conflict should not be hurting the other person more than they hurt you, but rather reaching a level of understanding and resolution that is productive for the relationship. The above Fair Fighting Rules are just a few to get started, but you can also feel free to create rules of your own based on what is needed in your own relationships!